It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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