I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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