Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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