3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
