if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
