all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
