threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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