Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
