dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
