Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
