mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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