I skipped work to stalk him.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
