btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
