My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
