There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
