You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
