The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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