I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
