: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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