Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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