Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
