It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
