I think my vagina is haunted
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Randomize
