woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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