Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Randomize
