Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
