So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
