My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
