Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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