My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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