Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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