did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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