His pubic hair was longer than his dick
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
