It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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