even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
