forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you will always have a special place in my vag
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
