she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
