why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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