My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
