i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
We are two peas in an std pod
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
