They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You have to summon your inner elephant
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
