That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
