So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I understand Curling. That high.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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