hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
