she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
