she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
