He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
