I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
