How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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