What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
