I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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