booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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